Escapism and dependency culture: our avoidant relationship with painful feelings

In most parts of the world, which have adopted a global ‘short-termist’ consumerist mindset encouraging pleasure, problems including health challenges or painful feelings, are often viewed as things to ‘get rid of’ or ‘escape from’ rather than as symptoms to listen to.

This culture carries a collective consciousness which bombards with constant toxic messages. We often unconsciously end up adopting our culture’s dominant norms and mindset of escapism and avoidance (of challenging feelings) and dependencies (on what we believe brings us joy).

We end up being pathologised for developing dependencies, and addictions, this culture actually fosters and encourages. Those who might not be driven by the relentless pursuit of temporary things to the detriment of theirs and others’ wellbeing might feel out of place, marginalised and labelled with disorders for challenging the dominant cultural norms.

In my latest article I briefly explore the notions of individual suffering and pain often seen as separate from the cultural environment and collective consciousness they emerge from. I also offer suggestions to those who might find themselves dissatisfied or in pain as a result of feeling disconnected in this culture.

What are your beliefs about life?

In many parts of the world, we are often sold a very limited, erroneous and sometimes unrealistic view of life. Put bluntly, the conventional and dominant model up until now has been a three dimensional life consisting of striving to be ’successful’, earn money, travel, marry a nice spouse and have children, and for some do good deeds and die. Often, we believe that if we do not feel good there must be something wrong (with us/our life/our childhood) and that if ‘we do the work’ or ‘get X, Y, Z things’ and stop our addictions, our life will mostly be great, and we will be only happy. But life is constant movement and change and with it comes a whole spectrum of unforeseen experiences and therefore feelings. We are also multi-dimensional beings which can not be reduced to ‘human doings’ in a purely materialistic dimension.

Although it is undeniable that you will feel better as a result of doing inner work, you will also continue to experience challenges inherent to being human. And whilst childhood development and trauma play a vital part in who become later, often they are not the only factors responsible for any suffering we might feel today.

We might for example experience trepidation at the prospect of meeting other people or at being successful at something we wished for. It does not mean that we necessarily suffer from anxiety or have experienced attachment trauma. Additionally, some life events will challenge us, whereas others might awaken joy. As those working in addiction might know, being abstinent or sober will bring with it a new set of challenges, including starting to feel feelings we put a lid on and avoided by using addictions.

A Collective Consciousness Rooted in Toxic Culture

Something that is rarely acknowledged or talked about is the importance the environment’s culture and collective consciousness we have chosen to live and work in plays in our life.

Currently the dominant culture we live in generally do not prepare us to deal with all of life and might actively encourage us to seek only pleasure and comfort and to avoid discomfort and painful feelings labelling our experience as negative or as a mental health disorder.

Our organism is powerful and wired for survival. The human fight/flight/freeze mechanism is the reason our ancestors survived but some of the defences which were helpful at earlier stages of our life might no longer be so today. This does not make us ‘damaged’ or ‘broken’ but simply human. Understanding how our organism operates, for example that if we are in survival mode, we cannot feel fear and think at the same time, let alone learn, is key.

We often forget that our culture has developed as a result of thousands of years of war and trauma. This culture today tends to value perfectionism and unrealistic expectations of self and others, which is another form of trauma. We end up becoming very controlling, people-pleasing, allowing things and people in our life, which are not good for us as a result of trauma and fear. As we are encouraged to lie to ourselves (by not validating and valuing our feelings), we put a lid on our feelings and our conscience. Preferring comfort living in fear (of the unknown), we hang onto resentments, self-pity, overdependence or over independence (the fear of asking for help). It is in this environment that pleasure is sought after because the state of harmony and balance is unknown since trauma is the baseline. Addictions are rife and actively sought because normal feels ‘too boring’ perpetuating a very difficult cycle to break.

If you find yourself in a hamster wheel and dissatisfied, you might not be happy going along with what you are surrounded with and being advertised on a daily basis. The below are some suggestions to aid your reflections:

• Have you considered the consciousness of the environment you live in which includes the relationships you have formed, personally and professionally?
• Do you align with your environment or peers’ values?
• What are your boundaries like: do you need help to learn to say no?
• Are you selective about who you give your resources to and who you let in our life?
• What are your priorities? Have you ever stopped to consider what really matters to you in your life? Do you really need that new bedroom flooring?
• Have you ever thought about making a plan of what you would like to experience? You can start today making a list and breaking it down

If right now in your life you are experiencing a lot of pain, know that it might also be as a result of the toxic culture you might be immersed in. There is a way out. The right help and guidance are available from those who have walked that path before. In the midst of intense pain and fear, know that you have two seconds where you can pause before you react. You can start over any time, regroup, reach out for help and then take the best most loving action for yourself. Small change over time amount to transformations.

” You don’t have to agree with the dominant culture. You can decide to start over at any time. Each moment is a new moment. You can do it. You can take a leap of faith and choose courage over fear.”

Feel free to connect with me if you have any questions or you wish to work with me.