Fatherhood. Added Dimensions Child and Father Bring to Each Other
I re-read recently one of the most loving words expressed to a child by his father and it made me ponder about fatherhood and manhood.
These are words from one of our most beloved writers, Nobel recipient John Steinbeck, to his son Thomas who was in anguish following meeting a young lady he believed he fell in love with. Here’s what Steinbeck wrote (read the whole letter at the bottom of this article):
“First—if you are in love—that’s a good thing—that’s about the best thing that can happen to anyone. Don’t let anyone make it small or light to you.
Second—There are several kinds of love. One is a selfish, mean, grasping, egotistical thing which uses love for self-importance. This is the ugly and crippling kind. The other is an outpouring of everything good in you—of kindness and consideration and respect—not only the social respect of manners but the greater respect which is recognition of another person as unique and valuable. The first kind can make you sick and small and weak but the second can release in you strength, and courage and goodness and even wisdom you didn’t know you had.”
It’s beautiful on so many levels as Steinbeck was a gifted writer who touched the hearts of millions. It’s also touching from the point of view of man’s and father’s perspective on love and fatherhood.
What’s really exciting about fathers in England today is that many are reinventing what it means to be a man and father for themselves and society. It’s interesting that in the mammal species human males play a more significant role in the upbringing of their brood compared to other mammals, although, due to cultural conditioning and other factors, they are clearly on a journey.
In the animal kingdom, the most hands on dads are reported to be seahorses, wolves, penguins, frogs and bat-eared foxes! The below photo is of a male seahorse giving birth!
I know many hands-on dads who impress me with their dedication to their family, their partners, children. They love being a father, a coach, mentor and best friend to their children. We rarely read about how fatherhood affects men or a man’s brain and psychology. Did you know that fatherhood changes a man’s neuronal circuitry, their bonding hormones and their hearing, which is said to sharpen? Fathers speaks movingly about the added dimension a child brings to their life.
Professor James Rilling[1](professor of anthropology at Emory University) is doing very interesting and innovative work in this space combining genetic analyses, and brain imaging. If you google him you might come up with juvenile jokes in the press by not-so-knowledgeable journalists, linked to his research on testosterone and other physiological changes in fathers! Rilling is shedding light on the differences in the body and brain of involved dads (in the care-giving of their children) comparing to less-involved dads.
Most of us know that testosterone is the male hormone par excellence for men in terms of effect on their biology. What Rilling’s 2014 study[2]showed is that fathers had significantly higher levels of oxytocin (the bonding hormone) compared to men who were not fathers.
Another really cool study (presenting dads and non-dads images of children and the pursuit of mating) showed that men who were fathers had different areas of their brain light up when they were shown images of children compared with those men who were not dads. We can’t generalise from these studies, but one conclusion researchers arrived at with their combined studies is that being a dad opens you to focus more on others and their needs as opposed to chasing what you want first. This seems to echo qualitative research on the transformation men undergo when they become a parent.
Research in this space is fascinating. Other studies show that neurons could be developed as a result of “environmental richness” which is the new dimension a child brings to the life of a dad. Studies highlighted increased cell growth in the hippocampus (responsible for memory/navigation). Other studies have found that new neurons in the olfactory regions of the brain enable father mice to recognize their pups – there is a leap from a mouse to a male human of course. Research also exists demonstrating how a close relationship between children and their fathers has a protective quality whereby kids are less likely to be victims of sexual assault or abuse.
Whilst researchers exploring fatherhood admit that a lot of these findings do not determine cause and effect, Rilling is convinced that two factors could determine if a man will get involved or not in a child’s life and that is the absence or presence of his own father. He stated:
“According to one hypothesis, boys who grow up without fathers often overcompensate by adopting a hyper-masculine behavioral style that privileges aggression and mating effort at the expense of pair-bonding and paternal caregiving.”
This statement does not mean this can not be changed. Society is changing and we are gaining more awareness into fatherhood and its benefits to men and their children. The more we highlight the willingness of men to be caregivers, the more we will help foster change so that a child experiences the emotional richness a father can bring into their life and fathers also experience fulfilment from the gift of children.
References
Steinbeck. J. (1958). Extract: John Steinbeck’s letter of fatherly advice to his son. Penguin.
Wilcox (2013) Gender and Parenthood: Biological and Social Scientific Perspectives. Columbia University Press, 2013
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/24336349
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4404163/
Extract: John Steinbeck’s letter of fatherly advice to his son Thom
New York, November 10, 1958
“Dear Thom:
We had your letter this morning. I will answer it from my point of view and of course Elaine will from hers.
First—if you are in love—that’s a good thing—that’s about the best thing that can happen to anyone. Don’t let anyone make it small or light to you.
Second—There are several kinds of love. One is a selfish, mean, grasping, egotistical thing which uses love for self-importance. This is the ugly and crippling kind. The other is an outpouring of everything good in you—of kindness and consideration and respect—not only the social respect of manners but the greater respect which is recognition of another person as unique and valuable. The first kind can make you sick and small and weak but the second can release in you strength, and courage and goodness and even wisdom you didn’t know you had.
You say this is not puppy love. If you feel so deeply—of course it isn’t puppy love.
But I don’t think you were asking me what you feel. You know better than anyone. What you wanted me to help you with is what to do about it—and that I can tell you.
Glory in it for one thing and be very glad and grateful for it.
The object of love is the best and most beautiful. Try to live up to it.
If you love someone—there is no possible harm in saying so—only you must remember that some people are very shy and sometimes the saying must take that shyness into consideration.
Girls have a way of knowing or feeling what you feel, but they usually like to hear it also.
It sometimes happens that what you feel is not returned for one reason or another—but that does not make your feeling less valuable and good.
Lastly, I know your feeling because I have it and I’m glad you have it.
We will be glad to meet Susan. She will be very welcome. But Elaine will make all such arrangements because that is her province and she will be very glad to. She knows about love too and maybe she can give you more help than I can.
And don’t worry about losing. If it is right, it happens—The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away.
Love,
Fa”
[1]https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/24336349
[2]https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4404163/