In a personal therapy modality called Inner Child work, we use the archetype of the inner child ( Clarkson, 2003; Jung, 1954; Paul, 1991), which is our feeling self. We say that we have a core child, pure child which is akin to our soul which hold our gifts and talents and is not touched by life’s vicissitudes. We also have ‘wounded inner children’ who have suffered and built protections (masks) to defend ourself when no one could.
When we start our healing journey, some of us who have experienced a lot of adversity might have a negative self-concept and some inner hatred. And so, it might become difficult to get in touch with these parts, which is our feeling self dimension of our humanity. We therefore might be asked to bring a picture of that child during a happy time, if such a time exist, before we might have developed too many ‘defences’. The above picture is of me at this time.
As we heal, and we start to connect with all the parts of ourselves we disavowed, positive and negative, and strengthen our Adult part, we are said to be ‘integrated’, as much as possible, and all parts work together seamlessly. The child and Adult, are one.
With hindsight, and after a long journey, I can say that most of my life, I was guarded and I did not know how to love myself, accept love from others and share love with others. I had experienced fleeting moments of heart openings in my life; in the presence of babies, children, animals, nature, my mother and a few members of my family, some close friends and some work colleagues. However most of my life, I was mostly guarded. I deeply wanted to but did not know how to love myself, receive love from and share love with others.
I additionally did not find the world I grew up in friendly and I felt it was not particularly accepting and kind towards people who processed the world like me. A friend and mentor, Dr Agnew (see details under references) often talks about neurodiverse people experiencing the world as if they were 6 foot 10 people travelling in economy planes! Like many individuals and clients I have encountered on my journey, I have spent most of my life living with a closed heart, but I did not fully know this.
On stage at the Camden Roundhouse, as The Doctor in Shakespeare’s Macbeth, 2010.
At thirty years old, a profound shift happened when my acting and zen teacher, Tom Radcliffe, read a passage of ‘The sacred path of the warrior’ by Chogyam Trungpa (2001) in an acting class. Some might say this led to a sort of ‘breakdown’. Spiritual teachers called this a ‘dark night of the soul’ (St John of The Cross, 2020). A longstanding practice of meditation ensued as well as my first of many ‘crumblings’ of my ego defences, held up by an overactive (and stubborn!) mind.
With Dr Margaret Paul, the day I was accredited in InnerBomding, Colorado, USA, May 2019.
In my forties, things started changing for me, definitely for the better, but also for the worst as I exoerienced more ‘ego defences crumblings’. I had experienced a life full of anguish that I was masking, unaware. I started Dr Paul’s InnerBonding (2001) steps in 2010 as well as training in her modality from which I became accredited in 2019.
With two of my most important teachers, Dr Margaret Paul, on the left, and Karen Krall, to my right, Colorado, USA, 2018.
I also embarked on and completed my Master in Psychology, I attended twelve steps programmes mostly for food addiction, but also attended Alcohol Anonymous ( see references), when food addiction meetings were scarce. I increased my meditation and yoga practice, eventually also qualifying in both in 2019 in India.
During my 200 hr Yoga & meditation teacher training, Rishikesh, India, December 2019.
I ‘hated’ the word God due to spiritual abuse in the divine’s name but I did start to pray and experienced being guided by ‘a calling’ of sorts (Rohr, 2016), what some might call ‘divine intelligence’. I also encountered many beautiful people, and one in particular, a beautiful person who accelerated this process of change for me, unbeknownst to him. Things started to change from that, very slowly over a decade, culminating in this place I am now.
Yoga practice, throughout Covid,London 2020
One of the best lines I have read to encapsulate these states were said to have been spoken by Charlie Chaplin for his 70th Birthday. He is said to have captured those lines from the wonderful book by Kim McMillen and Alison McMillen, entitled ‘When I loved myself enough’.
Kim was only 52 when she passed away suddenly without any known illnesses. Her daughter Alison wrote:
“My mother died in September of 1996, at the age of 52, only a few short months after writing this book. She was not ill and did not know that she was going to die. Her death was very sudden and it deeply shocked everyone who knew her. It has been very difficult for me, as well as her friends and family, to cope with live without her. She died too young, and I am aware of her absence every waking moment.” Alison McMillen
Some of Kim’s words are below. Please get her book for the full, masterful poem:
“When I loved myself enough I came to know my own goodness. When I loved myself enough I began taking the gift of life seriously and gratefully. When I loved myself enough I began to know I was in the right place at the right time and I could relax. When I loved myself enough I felt compelled to slow down way down. And that has made all the difference. When I loved myself enough I bought a feather bed. When I loved myself enough I came to love being alone surrounded by silence, awed by its spell, listening to inner space. When I loved myself enough I came to see I am not special but I am unique. When I loved myself enough I redefined success and life became simple. Oh, the pleasure of that. When I loved myself enough I came to know I am worthy of knowing God directly. When I loved myself enough I began to see I didn’t have to chase after life. If I am quiet and hold still, life comes to me.”
From Kim McMillen and Alison McMillen, ‘When I loved myself enough’
The below is Charlie Chaplin’s version read at his 70th Birthday:
As I began to love myself I found that anguish and emotional suffering are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth. Today, I know, this is “AUTHENTICITY”.
As I began to love myself I understood how much it can offend somebody if I try to force my desires on this person, even though I knew the time was not right and the person was not ready for it, and even though this person was me. Today I call it “RESPECT”.
As I began to love myself I stopped craving for a different life, and I could see that everything that surrounded me was inviting me to grow. Today I call it “MATURITY”.
As I began to love myself I understood that at any circumstance, I am in the right place at the right time, and everything happens at the exactly right moment. So I could be calm. Today I call it “SELF-CONFIDENCE”.
As I began to love myself I quit stealing my own time, and I stopped designing huge projects for the future. Today, I only do what brings me joy and happiness, things I love to do and that make my heart cheer, and I do them in my own way and in my own rhythm. Today I call it “SIMPLICITY”.
As I began to love myself I freed myself of anything that is no good for my health – food, people, things, situations, and everything that drew me down and away from myself. At first I called this attitude a healthy egoism. Today I know it is “LOVE OF ONESELF”.
As I began to love myself I quit trying to always be right, and ever since I was wrong less of the time. Today I discovered that is “MODESTY”.
As I began to love myself I refused to go on living in the past and worrying about the future. Now, I only live for the moment, where everything is happening. Today I live each day, day by day, and I call it “FULFILLMENT”.
As I began to love myself I recognized that my mind can disturb me and it can make me sick. But as I connected it to my heart, my mind became a valuable ally. Today I call this connection “WISDOM OF THE HEART”.
Final/third year of the Doctorate in Counselling psychology at the University of Roehampton, London, UK.
As I approach my fiftieth birthday on 25 November I am softer, my heart no longer aches, and is open, and I experience life from a more humble, simple and open perspective. I am extremely grateful for my life and for all those that I met on my journey, including my clients. It took many electroshocks and encounters for me to ‘let go, and let love’! But I now know that if this could happen to me, it is available to all of us.
Waterloo Bridge, London, UK, cycling to placements throughout all parts of London and returning to Roehampton uni, during my three year Doctorate, London 2020-2023
References
Clarkson, P. (2003). Reclamation of the child 1. On Psychotherapy, Vol.3, Chapter 2. London: Whurr.
Clarkson, P. (2003). Reclamation of the child 2. On Psychotherapy, Vol.3, Chapter 2. London: Whurr.
Jung, C.G. (1954/1968). Archetypes of the collective unconscious. In Collected Works, Vol.9, Part I, pp.3-41. London: Routledge & Kegan Paul.
McMillen, K., & McMillen, A. (2001). When I loved myself enough. St Martin’s Press; 1st Edition.
Paul, M. (1991). Inner Bonding: Becoming a Loving Adult to Your Inner Child. HarperOne. About InnerBonding: http://www.innerbonding.com
Rohr, R. (2016). Breathing under water: spirituality and the twelve steps.SPCK Publishing.
Trungpa, C. (2001). Shambhala: The Secret Path of the warrior. Shambhala classics.
Helpful Resources & Help:
The Twelve steps:
Alcoholics Anonymous: wonderful fellowship for all types of addictions even if Alcohol is not your primary addiction:
Dr Rob Agnew is a Clinical Psychologist, Associate Fellow of the British Psychological Society (BPS) and Chair of their Section of Sexualities. Dr Agnew sits on the Practice Guidelines Review Group and the Mental Capacity Advisory Board of the BPS. He is also founder of ownyourADHD. He is a compassionate and highly experienced senior Clinical psychologist, lecturer, trainer, therapist and supervisor offering also diagnostic assessments & interventions specialising in ADHD, Autism, OCD and brain conditions:
